Britreads4fun

Here’s to: the world not ending

Here’s to: the roommates: Erin, Lisa, Dot and Jer, you guys are all awesome and I miss our 2am kitchen conversations. 

Here’s to: no roommates

Here’s to: old friends

Here’s to: new friends

Here’s to: graduating college in a semi-on-time manner.

Here’s to: Avenue Q being more and more relevant every year. 

Here’s to: writing

Here’s to: reading. I lost you for a bit, but you’re coming back to me. 

Here’s to: working my ass off

Here’s to: joining a gym, and actually going!

Here’s to: family dinners

Here’s to: getting to do touristy things. for some reason, it took my mom coming to visit (TWICE) before i did the sears tower, a boat tour, john hancock center, or MSI, all things that i had been recommending for 2 years at my job. 

Here’s to: leaving the hotel.

Here’s to: new jobs

Here’s to: ending the drama

Here’s to: not failing at being kind of a grown-up

Here’s to: Doug, Reggie, Chris, Walt, Nicoleta and Eric: for keeping me sane at work, and for reminding me that it would be possible to get out eventually. 

Here’s to: Ryan, for giving me the heads up about the GH interview.

Here’s to: The Fixer (I am hesitating at still using the code name, since it doesn’t really matter at this point, but whatever): for encouraging me to go to the gym and eat healthier, but not super judging me when I invite you over for pie and wine (among other things…), and for giving me someone to vent to about work that understands completely. Also for being hot, but that is just you. 

Here’s to: Spenser, for being there when I couldn’t find anyone else.

Here’s to: Cass, Jess, Elisa, and Karissa: I miss and love you guys, and we need to talk more. Come see me!

Here’s to: Meg Lupin: for just being Meg. You’re always around to listen to me and workout and go for walks and I think you’re awesome. 

Here’s to Rach: for offering up your house for parties and sleepovers and just random funtimes. And also for being awesome. 

Here’s to: Wyl, the best writing tutor ever.

Here’s to: My family. For being wonderful in every which way. Special shout out to Jeff for making it so that I could see everyone at xmas without actually being there, and to Gma for giving us the idea. 

Here’s to: Jeselyn. You are the best person to drunk-skype with, and I all around love you and miss you and you should make it so you’re here with me. 

Here’s to: whoever I’ve forgotten. Because I know that somehow I’ve gone and forgotten people who have been awesome this year, and every year. If you’re in my life, please know that I love and appreciate you and want you around, even if we’re far apart. 

i told every other social networking site, but i forgot you, tumblr. i apologize.

anyway…..*drumroll*

I GOT A NEW JOB AND WILL BE LEAVING MY CURRENT ONE IN A LITTLE OVER A WEEK. I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITEDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!

i had given up on them calling me, because the interview was like 2 weeks ago; they’d said they’d let me know within 5 days. so when they called yesterday morning it super came out of left field. but i took the job because it pays more and it seems like a super cool company to work for (also i’m like 95% sure they actually do annual/quarterly reviews, which is awesome because i’ve been at this place 2 years and have yet to get a review. and new people are making more than me right out the gate).

i do have to say that i will miss the people there. honestly, it’s the best part and part of why i was able to keep myself there as long as i have. i have to say like official goodbye to nicoleta tomorrow when i go in, because she’s going on medical leave next week. i might cry a little. nicoleta’s like my work-mom and just overall awesome. i saw her today at shift change and she was like “i am sad to see you go but i am happy that you have found something new,” which was so sweet of her. everyone else has had about the same reaction. mr d’s asked about it a lot and offered himself as a reference if i ever need one, because he’s also pretty cool and encouraging and somewhat parental in his weird way. chris and i high fived like 12 times last night because i met our goal (now he just has to meet it! out by jan. 1!).

so, yeah, i’m gonna miss everyone, but it’s good that they’re happy for me. i was afraid that i was going to get some resentment because it fucks up the holiday schedule or some shit, but i’m sure it’ll work out. they just hired someone anyway. 

it’s time for a change in my life anyway, i think, and this is just the right thing. it didn’t hit me until i was walking to work yesterday (like 6 hours after they called me). i was walking down the street and i was like “oh shit. this is one of the last times i’m going to have to come in here.” and i got the biggest, giggly-ist grin (not unlike the one i had on when i saw the fixer by chance earlier and shamelessly oggled him), and a bit of a skip in my step, and it was so hard to keep it in until i told my boss (i actually ended up telling chris first, cause we had an alone minute and i tell chris…well i tell chris probably way too much for a coworker. also i needed his advice on my resignation letter). it was nearly impossible to keep it off facebook and twitter until i told my boss (i figured i’d be polite, somewhat), but i did that. woot willpower. 

so yeah. as of december 9, we will be saying goodbye to frontdesk brit and hello to call center brit. 

i hope this is the right move. 

So I’m letting them out. Maybe.

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1) START/FINISH THIS FICTION WRITERS AND PUBLISHING PROJECT TODAY

2) START/FINISH JOURNALS FOR LIT ON FILM. ALSO WATCH THAT MOVIE I MISSED. THIS IS FOR TOMORROW.

3) FINISH LIT ON FILM PAPER. THIS IS FOR MONDAY NIGHT—>6PM TUESDAY

4) MAKE/BUY A SNACK FOR ADVANCED FICTION. SEE IF ERIN OR DOT WILL LET ME BORROW EGGS TO MAKE BROWNIES. 

5) GO TO WORK AT 6AM TOMORROW. TRY NOT TO PUNCH SOMEONE. THIS WEEK WAS BETTER. BUT I WAS ONLY THERE 3 DAYS. 

6) STOP FANTASY SHOPPING FOR NEW APARTMENT

7) GOOGLE HOW TO CREATE A BUDGET. THAT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA.

8) MAKE DINNER AT HOME FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.

9) STOCK UP ON 7-DAY PASSES CAUSE UPASS IS RUNNING OUT SOON :(

10) OVERDOSE ON VITAMIN C BECAUSE THAT IS THE ONLY WAY THIS COLD WILL GO AWAY. 

11) OH YEAH TYPE UP STUFF FOR TUTORING FOR TUESDAY. 

On Sunday night, after having a stressy Skype breakdown to my mom, I made goals.

By May 1: All Spring Semester schoolwork done (This is easy, I am very grade/praise motivated, and it will all get done. It’s a gimme goal).

By June 1: Find a new apartment (slightly more difficult, as it involves calling and emailing strangers).

By September 1: Find a new, higher paying (if possible), job.

As of today, I have one of those goals covered, and it’s not the one your expecting (well, unless you’re also following me on Facebook and/or Twitter):

As of June 1, I will be moving into my very own studio apartment in Lincoln Square!

*Commence partying*

I’m good at goals when I have them, aren’t I?

1) to get homework done

2) someone to read my story and tell me the ending doesn’t suck (or how i can make it not suck) (jeselyn is on this, but it’d be nice to have multiple eyes on it)

3) to email that lit mag with questions for the editors for fiction writers and publishing project

4) to find and watch “housekeeping” for lit on film

5) to write questions for author visiting tomorrow

6) to find a new roommate(s) and/or a place to live for june 1 (i am awesome and nice and polite and will always pay rent/bills on time, i promise) 

7) to find a new job (last night, chris and i decided we’d both be out of the hotel by august, if not sooner).

8) to work on lit on film paper

9) to work on lit on film journals

10) to stop watching glee. 

11) i should also probably call my mother. although i talked to her like 4 times last week. 

homework is taking forever to happen. i’m not sure if it’s because of senioritis or because work is burning me out. or both? i don’t know. but it’s not good. i want to turn in quality writing, and being distracted by work drama is not conducive to creativity. blaaaaah. someone talk to me.

Tired of being angry. Tired of feeling taken advantage of. Tired of not being able to say what I think. Tired of being tired. 

I know most of this is my own problem. I should, at 22 years old, be able to stand up for myself, to express my own opinions, to tell someone when I think something isn’t right. 

I should be able to, for example, tell my boss that scheduling me for five days is not something she should be doing. When they hired me, I was told that my max could be four days, because I was at school three days a week. She seems to think that because I only go to school two days a week now, she gets to schedule me that extra day. Which is not how it works. This is especially true since I have to commute now. If I’m at school two days, and at work five days, that means I am downtown seven days a week. That means that I am not able to get things like laundry and grocery shopping and homework done, which is what I do on that one day off. I absorb so much stress because of this job, and that one day a week is NECESSARY TO MY SANITY. Not to mention my grades. I’m barely putting in the minimum effort for some of my classes, and I HATE that. And the reason I’m here in Chicago at all is because of school, and I want to do well these last two semesters. And I can’t do well if I’m barely able to do homework because of the stress that this pointless job causes. I try and try and try to just let things wash over me, but I am always SO STRESSED OUT because of this job. 

And I know several of you are screaming “QUIT!” at me, but it’s not that easy. If I had time to look for a better/different job, trust me, I would. I would quit without notice and just run away screaming. But considering I can barely get my homework done, yeah, that’s on the back burner. 

Anyway, I need to be able to tell her that no, I do not work morning shifts. I am not a morning person. I am incredibly cranky in the morning, which is not good for dealing with guests or idiot coworkers who have worked there for six months and still don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. Mornings are not good for my social life, which is already a struggle to keep up with, and I have like three friends here that I don’t live with. I know I’m sounding whiney and selfish—everyone has to do shit they don’t like, just deal with it. It’s the family motto, isn’t it, just deal with it? But I’m tired of just dealing with being exhausted at three in the afternoon and not seeing my friends and coming home and crashing or struggling to stay awake so I get more than three hours of sleep before I have to be up at 5:30 to go to work. And anyway, I’d rather be riding the train at 11:30 at night than at 6 in the morning.

And I need to tell my boss, and HR, and everyone in the world that I think that us front desk agents are treated like shit. We’re over worked, understaffed (even though they have had PLENTY of time to hire and train new people), and everyone’s bullshit extra work gets thrown down on us. AND I AM TIRED OF IT. WE ARE TIRED OF IT. maybe i could write a letter. 

Here are other things I need to tell people:

I need to tell a certain person who fixes things that it is rude as fuck to just stop making any effort to speak to someone you were interested in. I need to tell him that if he’s decided that he’s done with me, he needs to fucking tell me, not just stop talking. It’s rude and immature (said the girl passive-aggressively blogging about it) and I need to know where we stand. I bet I already know the answer to that, but it’s still fucking rude.

I need to tell my landlord that he’s being a fucking cheap bastard, not turning on the heat even though the temperature’s dropped. I’m fine in my room, I’ve got a space heater, but the rest of our apartment is fucking freezing. 

I need to tell myself to stop being a fucking passive-aggressive, non-confrontational pansy. I need to tell myself to stop being so nice, stop letting people take advantage, stop just dealing with things. I need to tell myself to stand up for myself when I need to and ask the questions that have to be asked and say the things that need to be said. I need to tell myself to grow the fuck up. 

I have all these things I need to say, and I’m not saying them. Not to the right people. Because I’m afraid if I do say the things I want to say, the things I think, I’ll sound like a complete bitch and no one will ever want to talk to me ever again. 

I am rambley. Sorry. 

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if you’re checking in to a hotel and know you are going to be arriving before someone, MAKE IT SO YOU’RE THE ONE WHOSE NAME IS ON THE RESERVATION. it saves so much time and bullshit if i can say “ok welcome to the hotel here are your keys” instead of “i can’t check you in without so-and-so’s permission, it’s a security thing.” and do not give me the “but i’m his wife” bullshit. ESPECIALLY if you’ve kept your maiden name. srsly lady. 

it wasn’t necessarily a bad day at work. but that’s something that is constantly happening and, really, it’s common fucking sense. 

i have not gone to bed before 4am since…last thursday? because last friday, i worked a double shift and did not even get home from work until 7am. i am wiiiiiddddeeeee awake right now, even though i was nearly falling asleep today in class and was exhausted at dinner with meg. 

i hate this. i don’t have to go to work tomorrow, but, watch, someone’s going to call off tomorrow and i’ll get a call like “oh hey, can you cover this person’s shift?” because that’s just how things are going lately. 

i need to work less. but i don’t think i can afford to. i hate this. 

cried twice at work today. always fun. i guess it was my turn to get all the crazies. i had two people complain about getting a room with a queen bed instead of a king (wtf is the difference, you’re only here for a night, assholes), and then had someone yell at me over the phone about how we had awful customer service and that the problem (guy checking in did not have the same name as was on the reservation in my system) was all on our end because they had “Received confirmation that the name had been changed” so it was “our problem” and the “room was already paid for” (it wasn’t, but that is the common misconception with the advance purchase rate), and that he “knows the former mayor, and that should be a big deal in chicago.” this dude was president of whatever group the guy ORIGINALLY on the reservation had won the stay through. the guy who won the trip had given the reservation to his friend. and i understand that they more than likely made that call. but if they did not speak to the front desk or in house reservations, the change probably did not get made. which is a whole other problem. but that does not mean i should be getting yelled at. 

i almost screamed at him. i wanted to say “all i have is what is in my system, and that name change has not been made. i need to speak to the gentleman listed on the reservation in order to check this other gentleman in. you, sir, are being an asshole and i don’t understand why i am speaking to you. furthermore, i am not from chicago originally, so the daley name strikes no fear in my heart. i don’t care how big you are are what connections you have. i am trying to do my job, and that is primarily to make sure that the correct people get put into the correct rooms with as little hassle as possible.” instead i said “ok sir i’ll check mr johnson into the room.” and handed the phone back to mr johnson. and then i gave the dude his keys, made sure i didn’t have any more check ins to deal with, went to the office, and cried. 

mr. johnson and the guy who was originally listed on the room were cool about it. mr johnson even came down and called the guy again (i had to talk to the doucheguy because he wasn’t able to get a hold of the other guy) and i talked to him. which made me feel a little better about the situation. they both understood that i was just following protocol. and i apologized a thousand times. 

what it comes down to is that my hotel/job is shitty, and i hate that it’s like that. there are so many ways things get fucked up, with credit cards and names and all sorts of shit like that. the lack of attention to detail in every department (mostly reservations (both in house and off site) and sales, who make the reservations) really fucks up things for me and my fellow agents. and there are days when it all fucking blows up in our faces. like today.

on the bright side, we only had to deal with half of the check-ins we were supposed to because so many people arrived before our shifts even started. we had 2 check ins left by the time i left. which was awesome. and tomorrow will be slow too. and the rest of the week. HOORAY NOT HAVING TO DEAL WITH SO MANY ASSHOLES!

so i was still feeling shitty and lame after school tonight. sat through class staring blankly and having a minor internal meltdown about how i’m a shitty writer and just dumb, and where the fuck did i leave my brain, and why am in such a funk, and all i got done in class was some bullshit that i’m kind of embarrassed to have read out loud.

but i got out of class and there was a phone call from jess—she forgot my birthday, and we haven’t talked in awhile anyway—so i called her back and we talked for like an hour, and you know what? it may have been exactly what i needed. lately, it seems my bad moods come from two things: work and homesickness. and yeah, work is playing a big part in this shitty mood swing i’m in, but i also really miss home, and as the holidays get closer, it’s only going to get worse. talking to someone, one of my best friends, actually helps this, and i’m so glad i’ve realized this now. hopefully i remember that for next time i’m down.

i also got and finished butch walker’s autobiography “drinking with strangers” (which also probably played a part in the mood upswing now…such a positive read overall, and it’s been so long since i’ve just sat down and read for fun) and i just wanted to make a shout out and say it was awesome, and that i’m glad he toured with avril in 2004 because i don’t think i would know about his music if he hadn’t, and he’s had more staying power than she did (at least for me). also, i’ve had him on heavy ipod rotation lately, so it was super cool to hear some of the stories behind his songs.

and now it’s off to bed. because i have to work tomorrow and it’s supposed to be a crazy night and i’ll probably be somewhere near killing myself afterwards. hooray.  

i have been real out of it lately. my procrastination habits have reached the point of ridiculousness, i feel incredibly uncreative and unmotivated, i am increasingly unsure of where i am going and what i am doing and if this is even worth it in the long run. i just want to crawl into bed with a pile of books and loose myself in the lives of others—fictional and nonfictional. i miss being able to do that. i want to go hide till things get better and i feel like i can function again. i just feel so drained. i’ve been working 4 days a week, going to school 2 days. and then on my days off, i either sleep or try to see the friends i don’t see at school and that i don’t live with. i haven’t been in a grocery store in over a month. i am surviving on pasta and whatever happens to be open downtown. i don’t see the guy i’m seeing in the daylight unless he’s dropping me off at home in the morning. my mom called me today and asked if my roommates have her number in case something happens to me and they need to reach her—basically saying i need to call more. i forgot that we had to pay rent yesterday and left the house without writing a check; i had to take it down to our landlord this morning before work. i can only do laundry on monday nights lately because that is the only night that i’m home before 11pm. i feel like i’m doing this all wrong. 

i remember when we were little, tara and i would play at being grown ups, at being college students, and it was always like “we’ll be able to do this and this and this” and it was always positive. no one ever made us think about how you’re too tired to do homework some days, or spend more time at work than you do in your own house, or how the days just slip by you until suddenly you realize that you forgot something important. if you even realize you forgot it. they never tell you how you sometimes have to pick between having friends and performing well at your job and/or school. oh, and they never tell you how that slightly above minimum wage job you have will SUCK YOUR SOUL. i spent the last hour of my shift bitching with my coworker about our job; many many conversations with the guy i’m dating are about work sucking our souls. it’s not good. it’s not healthy. i’m worried that both of these men will be having heart attacks before they’re 30 years old because of the stress. we all want out and we can’t get out and it just fucking sucks. 

and then you get home and bitch about it on your blog because it’s all you can think about or do and you’re not sure if you’ll ever finish college because your soul is sometimes so crushed from lying to people and pretending to care and answering the same questions over and over and over and over and over and over and over that you can’t even bring yourself to do the actual creative work you’re in school to do because it all feels stilted and awful and meaningless and you just want to crawl in bed and cry yourself to sleep. 

Sorry for all the music reblogs tonight guys. I started out in a writer-y mood, but had nothing to write about. Then I wrote about something that made me feel sad and homesick (even more so than I already was), so I went and lost myself in Tumblr (also YouTube) for a few hours. I really should use that delayed publishing thing more often, eh? 

Anyways, now it’s time for bed. I am not looking forward to work tomorrow. I also think work is part of the reason why I’m so homesick right now, because I’m tired of trying to be a grown up. I’m having one of those months where I want to curl up in my bed and not have to worry about anything. No work, no school, nothing. I’m having one of those months where you want to go crawl into your parents bed like you did when you were a kid and convinced there were monsters in your closet. I’m having one of those months where I feel like I’m 100% faking it.

I can’t wait for school to start. Then I’ll have a distraction. Until then, there will probably be a lot of reblogs from me. So…sorry in advance if that annoys you.